


You'll Never Guess What Uncle Ardyn Said...

by TheDarkestDandelion



Series: The Daemon, the Soldier and a Stolen Bio-Weapon AU [65]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Angry Ardyn Izunia, Bets, Brotherly Love, Fights, Gossip, Guard and Glaive have no shame, Humor, Mentioned Clarus Amicitia, Mentioned Nyx Ulric, Multi, Name Calling, Noctis Caused All Of This, Noctis Lucis Caelum is a Brat, Parent Ardyn Izunia, Parent Cor Leonis, Power of Words, Prompto Argentum is a Ray of Sunshine, Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII is a Troll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-14 21:29:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21022556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkestDandelion/pseuds/TheDarkestDandelion
Summary: Noctis is bored so he decides it will be a great idea to make his Uncle Ardyn and Grandad Somnus fight to the death.Everyone else in the Citadel is thrilled with idea... for now...





	1. Pain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ryoko126](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryoko126/gifts).

> ryoko126 comment on Clarus taking bets on Ardyn and Somnus killing each other inspired me to write this. So thank you!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy! :)

“It will be funny, trust me.” Noctis laughed, encouraging Prom to join in, in his little scheme to get Ardyn and Somnus to fight each other.

Prom rubbed the back of his neck and said nervously. “But they will get mad at each other and I’m terrible at lying.”

For some reason or other Ardyn and Somnus were getting along at the moment. They had been getting a long since Somnus’s birthday and the 13 year old Prince was getting bored with lack of gossip around the Citadel. Noctis and Prom didn’t really talk to many people at school, as the other kids only wanted to be friends with them because they were royalty, and watching his immortal ancestor’s fight to the death became Noctis’s source of primary entertainment over the years. And now nothing was happening.

So, Noctis decided he would be the cause of an argument but he needed Prom’s help to do so. 

“Did Somnus say something nasty about your dad earlier?” Noctis asked, knowing the answer to that question.

“Yes….” Prom nodded sheepishly.

“Than it isn’t lying.”

“Okay… I guess not.”

“Awesome! So, you go and tell your dad and I will deal with grandad.”

* * *

Prompto didn’t really want any part in this.

He hated it when his dad and uncle fought, but at the same time, his dad had said to him in the past if Somnus did say anything that Prompto considered mean towards Ardyn behind his back he would like to know about it straight away. Prom had to admit he did find it a tad bit funny when they fought over something stupid like a cereal bowl… And everyone had been waiting for weeks for another blowout… not to mention that Clarus was getting annoyed that he wasn’t able to collect bets from the guard and glaive as to ‘_who would be the one to kill each other today’_ because the pair weren’t killing each other.

Screw it, one little fight couldn’t hurt…

Prompto knocked on Ardyn’s office door and let himself in.

“Dad?”

“HELLO MY SUNBEAM! What can I help you with?” Ardyn sang as he saw Prom. Working through these endless documents was slowly starting to bring his mood down. He was so happy Prom had decided to come and visit him.

“I was with Noct earlier and we heard uncle Somnus talking to Noct’s dad.” Prompto stated, knowing that what was said would cause Ardyn to erupt. Prom just hoped this was worth it and he didn’t get told off for it later. 

“What about?” Ardyn said still smiling, hiding his frustration.

_I knew it was about time that little twat started to be nasty again._

“I shouldn’t really say… it wasn’t exactly nice. It was actually really nasty.” Prom said still unsure if he should disclose the information or not.

Ardyn did not expect any different from Somnus. He shook his head as his facial features darkened. If Ardyn was honest, he wanted a reason to whack Somnus around the back of the head. But his little brother had been too nice to warrant that type of abuse from him. Maybe, his son’s words might allow him to unleash the beast. “I would like to know what was said, My Sunbeam.”

“He said you were… ‘_nothing but a fedora loving monster who wants to ruin his day_.’ But it wasn’t nice so I had to come and tell you. Don’t worry uncle Regis told him off.” Prompto said trying to defend Regis so he didn’t get involved in this.

At the word: monster, Ardyn was ready to suffocate his little brother! No, they had agreed two years ago that Somnus would stop calling Ardyn that, if Ardyn stopped calling him the ‘Usurper King of Lucis’. And to Ardyn’s credit, he had not called Somnus that to him, or to anyone else in two fucking years. But Somnus had… and he was going down.

Ardyn rose from his chair and growled. “Is that so…. Well this fedora loving monster now intends to ruin his day.”

“Dad no! Come on please don’t!” Prom begged, following his dad out of the room.

* * *

“Grandad! Never guess what uncle Ardyn said about you!” Noctis said as he ran to catch Somnus up.

“Don’t care.” Somnus said shrugging it off.

“You will.”

“What is it then?”

Somnus really didn’t care. He was more concerned about getting in a nap before dinner. Whatever Ardyn had to say about him, he had heard it all before. So, therefore, it was not going to affect the Founder King in the slightest...

“He said that you are a ‘_murderous usurper who would make for a better door stop than a King, considering how much you sleeps_.’ Just thought you would like to know.” Noctis smirked when Somnus stopped walking.

VICTORY! Noctis cheered in his head.

Somnus was prepared for whatever came out of his grandson’s mouth, but not the word ‘usurper’. So what if he had accidentally used the ‘M’ word while talking to Regis yesterday, Somnus actually took it back and apologised to Regis for calling Ardyn that.

That was it. This truce that the pair had forged between them had gone. This was war!

“Do you know where he is now?” Somnus asked with venom hanging onto his every word. 

“Nope.”

With that Somnus stormed off looking for his ‘monster’ of a brother and Noctis made sure to follow close behind him, this was going to be great.

* * *

As Somnus stormed through the Citadel the guard and glaives on patrol got their hopes up, thinking that this was the blow out that the entire Citadel had been hoping for, for a while. To make sure they didn’t piss off the Founder King, they kept at a distance but followed him through the hallways. The same thing happened with Ardyn. Everyone could see he looked furious and the two sources of protection to the crown followed the daemon royal and his son in the same direction that Somnus was heading. This was going to be the main event of the year!

The pair finally met in one of the halls entering at opposite ends of the massive room. When Ardyn finally laid eyes on his little brother, he screamed at him. “SOMNUS LUCIS CAELUM! YOU LITTLE RAT!”

“I AM A RAT!? LOOK AT WHO IS TALKING! YOU KNOW I HATE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME A USURPER!” Somnus screamed back marching towards Ardyn with nothing but hate and anger filling up his eyes.

Because the brothers were so angry at each other they didn’t even notice that the guard and glaive had encircled them with their phones out eagerly anticipating this fight to break out.

“WELL, I HATE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME A MONSTER! SAY SORRY NOW! BEFORE I DO SOMETHING, I WILL NOT REGRET YOU TWISTED PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A MONARCH!”

“TRY AND BEST ME IN A FIGHT YOU FUCKED UP DAEMON! I DARE YOU!” Somnus roared, summoning his weapon and pointing it directly at his brother’s throat.

Noctis laughed and sat down on the floor at a safe enough distance away with Prompto. Luckily for them, Nyx Ulric had tagged along with the crowd and ordered some of the glaives to help him keep an eye on the teenage Princes. It would not be good if they got involved in this.

Noctis got some popcorn out of his armiger, offering Prom some and smiled happily to himself. He was such a little shit. “Now, we watch the fireworks.”

“You are mean sometimes Noct.” Prom said, taking some of the popcorn ready to watch his dad and uncle fight.

With one clash of pink and blue weapons hitting against each other, the fight began.

* * *

Regis, Clarus and Cor got wind as to what was happening within a couple of minutes of the fight and they immediately went down there to try and stop it from continuing. This was not going to end well. If they were sword fighting, Somnus was going to win and Ardyn was going to get so pissed off.

Low and behold that was what they were doing.

Regis was going to put an end to it, but everyone seemed to be enjoying it too much. There were cheers from all sides. Some were routing for Somnus to win. Some were routing for Ardyn to win. Others were just taking the side of whoever was winning in that moment. Because of the noise, unless Regis wanted to put himself in harms way, Ardyn and Somnus were not going to stop until one of them was temporarily dead. And that was when the King spotted the children being protected by the glaives and he ushered Cor and Clarus to get over there quickly.

It wasn’t like they hadn’t seen someone die before. But this was not a safe environment to be in.

Cor reached Prom and asked if he was okay, and the blonde said he didn’t want to watch this anymore. Cor was about to step in and make the pair stop but… Ardyn would only become more hostile if Cor got hurt in any way for doing that… instead, he told Regis he was taking Prom away from the commotion and would take Noctis if he wanted to come.

Noctis refused and Regis told Cor to leave.

Regis shook his head and turned to Clarus to help him and Noctis leave but his Shield was occupied with taking bets as to who would be victorious in this fight. Regis rolled his eyes at his Shield’s childish behaviour and sat down, on a chair that a guard had gotten for him, beside Noctis who was still eating popcorn and cheering. 

“Noctis… what did you do to make grandad and uncle Ardyn fight?” Regis asked giving his son a knowing smile.

“I told them the truth and they did the rest themselves. But it is so much fun to watch!” Noctis laughed handing Regis the bag of food. “Do you want some popcorn, dad?”

“Thank you, my dear boy.” Regis smiled, ruffling Noctis’s hair before eating the delicious treat. Noctis was right. It was always funny to watch Ardyn and Somnus batter each other.

For the next 10 minutes, that was what father and son did. They ate popcorn and watch their ancestors fight. Everyone around them was still cheering but the King and Prince knew it was only a matter of time before one of them became triumphant.

Because of that Noctis pulled at Regis’s leg and came up with a proposal. “As Clarus is making bets we should too! If Ardyn wins, I get to eat chocolate cake and ice cream for pudding for the rest of the week!”

“And if grandad wins, you have to eat all your vegetables for a week.” Regis smirked and laughed when he saw Noctis’s face drop in horror.

Noctis rose to his feet and somehow screamed louder than everyone else in the room, silencing them. “COME ON UNCLE ARDYN! KICK GRANDAD’S ARSE INTO THE DIRT! YOU’RE THE ADAGIUM! WIN ALREADY!”

Everyone had now become more interested in what the King and Prince had to say on the matter and remained quiet as the brutal battle continued. Regis shrugged and made his opinion known to everyone. “COME ON GRANDFATHER! YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!”

“NO DON’T LISTEN TO DAD! ARDYN SHOW GRANDAD UP FOR THE USURPER HE IS! HE TOOK THE THRONE FROM YOU REMEMBER!?”

Regis’s eyes widened in fear. As did everyone else’s in the room. The Prince of Lucis did not just say that?!

Everyone heard Ardyn let out a daemonic growl and that was when Regis knew that this had to stop before things got out of hand. Regis heard Clarus run behind him and summoned his weapon, whereas the King pulled his son back closer to him. “Noctis! Do you want your grandfather to be cremated!”

“If it means I don’t have to eat vegetables than yeah! THAT’S IT ARDYN TAKE HIM DOWN!”

* * *

Ardyn did not win.

Somnus pulled a fast one on him in his enraged state and it was all over.

Because of the humiliation, Ardyn lay in bed sniffing and pretending he was hurt as Cor sat at the end of their bed ignoring him. Ardyn kicked Cor to get his attention, but all Cor did was shake his head and continued to clean his weapon.

“You aren’t getting any sympathy from me.”

Cor was actually really mad that Ardyn had not thought of Prom during that fight. Their son may be old enough now, but Prom didn’t want to see his dad get struck down. And Ardyn was stupid to think he could best Somnus in a sword fight. Only Cor and Gilgamesh could do that. He was fucking stupid. 

“But I am hurting…” Ardyn moaned, placing an arm over his eyes in a dramatic way.

“Shouldn’t have picked a fight with Somnus. You never win.”

Ardyn pouted and moaned some more. “I am really hurting My Marshal. Can you give me a kiss to make all the pain go away?”

“No.” Cor said bluntly, putting his weapon down and turning around to face a very needy Ardyn Leonis.

“But… But… I’ll cry.” Ardyn whimpered, looking at Cor really sad.

Cor crawled up the bed, deciding he did not want to put up with Ardyn moping all night and kissed him. Ardyn smirked and tried to get his leg wrapped around Cor’s leg, so he could flip him on the bed while Cor was distracted. But the Marshal pulled away from their kiss to bite Ardyn’s nose. Which left the royal a little shocked by that action.

Cor smirked and kissed Ardyn’s nose before he complained about that pain instead of his imaginary one. “You are insufferable sometimes.”

“But you love it.” Ardyn laughed wrapping his arms around Cor’s neck, wanting more attention. But Cor did not give it to him.

Cor sat up and asked. “Do you want me to kick Somnus’s arse for you?”

“Yes, please My very strong and very handsome Marshal!”

Ardyn knew for a fact Somnus would not dare hurt Cor unless he wanted Ardyn to let the daemons lose on him. Or Cerberus... This was going to be fun.

* * *

“Sorry, dad I started that…” Prom said entering his dads’ bedroom, feeling ever so guilty.

“It’s okay my darling. We were at the end of our tether with each other anyway.” Ardyn smiled, checking his phone to see if he would get an angry text from Somnus about Cor.

“How about, no more fights with Uncle Somnus?” Prompto suggested, hoping that Ardyn had learnt his lesson.

He hadn’t. 

“I simply can not promise that.”

“I know… poor Regis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Regis, Cor and Clarus having to deal with this crap! 
> 
> Hahahaha


	2. Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to write Noctis getting punished for his actions and eating the cursed vegetables!!!!
> 
> So please enjoy :)

“No.”

Noctis sat still with his arms crossed staring at his grandad and uncle who were sat on the opposite side of the table to him.

On the table, lay bowls of steaming hot vegetables and the Prince felt sick having to look at it all. All of his most hated vegetables were there. Sweetcorn, peas, broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus, runner beans and carrots. (Carrots were the only vegetable that Noctis would willingly eat on his own accord) And he was expected to eat three mouthfuls of each. OF EACH! Noctis thought this punishment was going to be a spoon full of all the vegetables mashed together and that would be his fill for the day. But no. His dad chickened out from handing out this punishment at the last second and gave Somnus and Ardyn the responsibility of dishing it out.

This was so not fair.

Somnus gave his youngest grandson an equally cutting look. “Then you are not leaving this table until you do.”

“You’re not my dad.” Noctis shouted back, determined not to lose this staring match with his grandad.

“No, he isn’t but he is your grandfather and you will do as you are told. Eat the vegetables.” Ardyn demanded, backing up Somnus.

They had both lived for 2000 years and because of that, when they wanted to be, the pair could be incredibly patient. Especially when it came to the Kings, Queens, Princes or Princess’s of Lucis. Except for Mors. Ardyn and Somnus didn’t have an ounce of patience left when it came to the end of that man’s reign.

Noctis knew that Somnus and Ardyn were fully aware that he had orchestrated their fight. That he had lied about Ardyn calling Somnus a usurper, and he failed to mention the fact that Somnus took back the M-word as soon as it left his grandfather’s mouth. That was why they were both here insisting that he eat his greens and not fighting with each other. Noctis hated it when they ganged upon him. They never ganged up on anyone else, just him! That definitely was not fair, so the Prince decided to stand up for himself. Noctis leant forwards and said very slowly:

“Make me.”

“You know full well that we will.” Ardyn laughed at his nephew’s attempt to sound intimidating.

“We will make you eat your vegetables, just like how you made us fight.” Somnus said bitterly, feeling a little stupid that he hadn’t realised at the beginning this was all Noctis’s fault.

Ardyn also felt a little stupid that he gave into Noctis’s cruel wishes. He got fucking murdered because of it and it upset Prompto. That was the reason why Ardyn was more than happy to force Noct to eat his greens. Even if Noctis didn’t mean too, no one upset Prom. 

Ardyn shook his head sighing. “Anyway Noctis, you lost a bet against your dad. So, therefore, you have to eat your vegetables.”

“You lost on purpose so I would eat this filth didn’t you!” Noctis shouted at his uncle! That was something he would do just to prove a point.

“I regret to say no I did not. Why didn’t I come up with that idea before!” Ardyn hit the table now even more annoyed at himself for not coming up with that idea in the past.

“Ardyn always loses against me. You were stupid for betting on the wrong horse. Now eat it.” Somnus grumbled, pointing at the food.

Again, all Noctis did was huff and stare at his ancestor’s like they had committed a sin. Like fuck was he eating that. Even if a bet was involved. This was starting to get on Somnus’s nerves and Ardyn could sense that. If Noctis realised that he was getting under Somnus’s skin he would keep pushing until Somnus gave up. When Noct became King the brother’s could really do without Noctis knowing he had that power over Somnus, so before Somnus’s frustration escalated Ardyn pulled at Somnus’s sleeve to get his attention.

“Not when I use my demon powers you don’t win.”

“I was talking about in a fair fight, you idiot.” Somnus nodded, silently thanking his brother, as he knew why Ardyn had distracted him for a moment.

“Ah… Yes, I never win.”

The brother’s then had to turn their attention back to Noctis who had pushed all the bowls that were closest to him well away from him.

“You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do! Ardyn would you ever make Prompto do this?”

“Don’t answer that.” Somnus raised his hand to prevent Ardyn from speaking. Noctis was getting crafty at emotionally manipulating people.

Noctis mustered up some fake tears and stared at his uncle’s golden eyes. “If not, it is simply cruel that you are making me do this.”

To Somnus’s surprise, Ardyn didn’t get his phone out and call Prom immediately, asking for his forgiveness for doing something like this to his son. Instead, Ardyn got a fork from the table and pierced a piece of broccoli with it. He lifted the fork up and pointed it in the direction of Noctis’s mouth.

“For the record my darling nephew, I have done this to Prom in the past for his own good. It may be cruel but you lost a bet and this food is very good for you. So, you can either take the fork out of my hand and eat this on your own volition. Or Somnus and I will hold you down and feed you like a baby. Which one will it be?”

Noctis gave Ardyn a feared look because he knew how serious Ardyn was being. The Prince darted his eyes to his grandad who now had a smirk on his face. Shit. Noctis thought as he looked back and forth between his ancestor’s.

In one last attempt to get out of this, he screamed at them with more fake tears in his eyes.

“I HATE BOTH OF YOU!”

* * *

“Regis… it’s okay.”

Clarus said comforting Regis as the pair of them stood outside the door listening to Noctis crying as he forced himself to eat the vegetables.

Hearing the (fake) cries of his only son broke the King’s heart. He put his hand to his mouth and stayed behind Clarus so he didn’t force his way into the room and save his son from the nasty disgusting food that was vegetables. 

“Maybe this is too harsher punishment?” Regis asked in a sad whisper.

“It’s only vegetables. He needs to eat them.”

“Exactly! Not even my own father forced me to do this! I am such a terrible dad!” Regis cried burying his face in his hands sobbing at what Noctis was going through.

Clarus laugh and shook his head at how sensitive Regis was being. He placed a comforting hand on Regis’s shoulder and attempted to reassure him he wasn’t a bad dad and that this situation was nothing to get upset about. “There, there. No, you’re not a bad dad. You are doing this for Noctis’s own good.”

“But he is crying!”

And so was Regis.

Clarus found his best friend’s tears very funny. He had expected the King to act this way, so when Regis was too caught up in what his son was having to endure Clarus called Cor so the Marshal could listen to exactly what was going on. And Clarus may have pressed the record button.

He was such a good friend.

* * *

Noctis reluctantly swallowed the last mouthful of peas he had been forced to eat by his ancestors and opened his mouth to show them he hadn’t hidden them under his tongue. Once he got a nod from both his uncle and grandad, Noctis downed his glass of cola to get rid of the awful taste. When he had finished that, the Prince rose from his seat and screamed at the pair.

“Uncle Cor is now my favourite out of the lot of you!”

As he hadn’t been a part of the torture he had to go through. 

“That bother’s us because?” Somnus asked, not caring for his grandson’s dramatics.

“It bothers me.” Ardyn admitted. He liked being the favourite and now he was competing with his own husband! Life was really cruel sometimes.

“Shut it.”

“I didn’t say anything offensive then.”

“Your whining offence me.”

“You are both whining! Can I now go?!” Noctis asked aggressively, he did not want to see his family, including Regis, for the rest of the day for what they had put him through.

Somnus nodded and rose from his chair before walking towards the exit. “Yes. But tomorrow is another day.”

Oh no! Noctis had six more days of this! Why did he make that stupid bet! He wasn’t going to last that long! Maybe if he could get on Ardyn’s good side again, he would talk his dad into lessening how long he had to endure this for. Yeah, that was a good idea. And it could work. It had to work!

Noctis turned to Ardyn and said, in an angry tone to try and make it look like he was agreeing with what his uncle did, instead of trying to get whatever he wanted. 

“I can see why you want to kill grandad constantly.”

That made Ardyn laugh. But he wasn’t focused on Noctis. He was more interested in what Somnus was doing as his little brother was struggling to open the door. 

“Why won’t the door open?” Somnus muttered to himself pulling at the handle. He couldn’t be stuck in here he needed a nap far away from anyone who could annoy him. Which was everyone.

“Huh?” Noctis questioned.

That’s when Ardyn’s laughter got louder and the former and future King knew that Ardyn had something to do with it.

“Ardyn what have you done to the door?” Somnus barked walking back over ready to fight Ardyn to let him out.

Ardyn just continued to laugh. He leant back in his chair and put his boots on the table laughing as he looked at Somnus’s and Noct’s confused faces. This was all too funny. Ardyn looked at his nails and said lazily. “Sorry, completely forgot to mention. I need to get you back for murdering me.”

“No, because you sent Cor to do that for you.” Somnus complained.

Cor had actually killed for Somnus killing Ardyn this time. Somnus was expecting the Marshal to give him a verbal warning and a punch in the face. Nope. He got impaled by the Marshal’s Katana and said if he didn’t want to lose an arm like his shield had, he wouldn’t hurt Ardyn anymore. Therefore, if Ardyn got his own back then it wouldn’t be fair!

Ardyn shook his head. He put an arm out to his side and caught a bowl full of sprouts that fell out of his armiger. “When have I ever left my dirty work to my husband? Now you aren’t leaving until you eat this.”

“Gross! No way!” Somnus cried completely horrified Ardyn would even suggest that he ate that.

Not a single member of the House of Caelum liked sprouts. Ardyn didn’t even like them. This was fucking treason. 

“Than none of us are going anywhere.” Ardyn smirked placing the bowl on the table.

“You made me eat veg! Now it’s your turn Grandad!” Noctis laughed going up to Ardyn to fist bump him.

Ardyn was definitely his favourite uncle.

* * *

The week was over and Noctis was finally free. He no longer had to eat that disgusting greenery. He hadn’t felt this relieved since he was able to walk again!

“Learnt your lesson Noct?” Prompto teased, nudging his best friend as they played on the Wii.

“Yes.” Noctis rolled his eyes trying not to lose this race against the blonde.

Noctis tried to duck his head down when he felt Regis’s hand ruffle his hair and laugh at his statement. “I do hope so.”

“Dadddd.” Noctis whined falling off the edge and being put back at least three places.

Regis was still very upset he had put Noctis through that. But Clarus, Cor, Somnus and Ardyn all told him it was for Noctis’s own good and he may learn something from this. Regis hoped his son did. Because when he was no longer here, it would be Noctis having to deal with their ancestor’s fights. He would have Cor, Prom and Gladio to help him but it was still exhausting.

“I don’t want to have to punish you like that again. So, no more making grandad and uncle Ardyn fight.”

“Okay…” Noctis nodded, putting the remote down finishing in 5th place, whereas Prom had finished yet again in 1st.

“Good. I have to go. Love you dearly.” Regis smiled, kissing Noctis on the top of the head.

“Love you too.”

Regis left to attend a meeting, while Prom and Noct prepared for their next race. But by the look in Noct’s eyes, Prompto did not believe his best friend’s words.

“You haven’t learnt your lesson have you?”

“Heck no! This means War Prom.”

“I was afraid you were going to say that.” 


End file.
